Marriage -Divorce…

Marriage

My marriage and divorce life is like a dream for me. Even when I think of the reason why I got married, it makes me laugh now because I was too young, and everything happened so quickly.

when our beautiful married life started…

There was no change for us. I mean, yes, we started living together and our status changed to married. Also, I got the freedom to spend 24/7 with him as I wished. But, it still looked as if we were in a relationship. Our day- to- day routines were the same as our dating days. Together, we did everything we used to do when we were in a relationship — from nights out to going to different places and meeting friends.

Then, when our daughter came, our life became sweeter and more meaningful. We both became more the happiest couple. Words could not express our joy. I think I was seeing her like my doll. She was very beautiful and small.

Her dad is the best dad. He treated her even more than I did, especially in the first few months. I was afraid to wash her body or change her clothes because she was very small. I feared I would break her. Whenever I tried to change her clothes or wash her body my hands would shake and couldn’t do anything. I didn’t want to see her hurt so I was very nervous.

Hence, my mom, sister, aunties and he did everything for her. He helped me with everything; we even had a shift to wake up and take care of her at night. lol, I was so excited like crazy and too careful.

I remember the first day when he got back to the office after he finished paternity leave. Even my mom and sister or any of my aunties were not around then.

Oh my God, who would change her clothes! When I tried, her hands were so tiny so I thought if I tried to change, I would break some part of her. Lol So, I started crying and called my mom. My hand was even shaking then when I asked my mom what I could do. She tried to calm me and guided me to try again without fear. With her help and guidance over the phone, I changed my daughter’s clothes for the first time. Then my motherhood started there. lol. I had no clue about it before that. Thanks to my mom, sister, aunties, and him.

So, our home became full of real love and happiness. We enjoyed the company of our cute little angel. She was even a decoration for his car. With her car seat, we took her with us everywhere like our bag except the workplace…lol

If she did not go with us we would drop her at my family house and pick her later. After she grew a little older, she started staying home with her nanny. By then, we always had our lunch at home so we could see her.

After work, we both did not go anywhere. Rather, we would rush to our house. Our lifestyle changed. We really enjoyed spending intimately at home. I can say we loved our house. There were no nights out or hanging out, most of the time. Our house was in a very peaceful and fresh compound. So, by carrying our daughter, we would walk. That made us so happy.

But, we still loved to spend quality time as a couple. So, we would drop our daughter to my family’s place and go out for dinner and night out once a month. That way, we would have a great time together as usual. As a couple, we were tighter everywhere, even when we went to our family houses — except at the workplace...Lol

We always ate our meals together. We always went to work together. He would drop me first and go to his office. At lunchtime, he would come to pick me and have lunch together at home. Then, he would pick me after work, and we would go home together. We did literally everything together. We were not only a husband and a wife; we were best friends, too.

I never forget these two incidents because of our too much attachment when he went somewhere. Once, he traveled out of the country for work, just for a week. So, I and my daughter went to stay with my family until he got back.

Another incidence is, one day I was waiting for him at home for lunch. Unfortunately, he ate with his mom and came home. It makes me laugh today when I think about it. You have no idea how mad I felt at the time. I even skipped my lunch, because I did not like to eat without him…lol

Special Moments ….

There was a special lunch at our house every Saturday just for the two of us and our little angel. I didn’t have work on Saturdays but he had. So, I and my maids were busy preparing lunch and everything had to be set up before he came. Then after a great lunch and coffee, we would go somewhere in the late afternoon with our daughter to relax if we did not have a plan with friends in our home.

In addition to that, we had fun with friends in our house Saturday afternoons occasionally. We would get together to eat, drink, chat, and laugh too much.

We also had a family breakfast every Sunday morning in our house veranda. There was a rule that no one could attend without taking a shower and dress well…lol! Three of us would enjoy the morning there.

Also, we two had a church day which was every Wednesday after work.

Also, he used to suddenly show up in my office with beautiful flowers and gifts just like he did when we were dating. My office was full of flowers. Wow, that made me so happy…lol!

He was a very genuine soul, loving and respectful husband, and caring father. We both loved a simple life full of fun. There was no secret between us. We would discuss openly and decide every little or big thing regarding our marriage and life together.

Conflicts…

We lived happily and peacefully for three years. We did not have any kind of friends to hang out separately with. We almost stopped going out because we really wanted to spend with our baby.

I particularly did not feel happy and comfortable leaving her unless I dropped her at my family house when we had somewhere to go for some kind of social commitment. Even when our daughter was at my family’s place, I really wanted to get back to her and home as soon as possible.

Lately, I did not enjoy staying outside late. I know he was not happy about this because he did not want me to get home without him. He wanted me to stay with him like the old days but I preferred spending with my baby. Unfortunately, we had a wide social commitment. So, we began to fight whenever there was a social commitment. Lol

Then, big incidents, which made us fight, started happening.

Unfortunately, few incidents happened with the knowledge of my family. Hence, after some challenges and fights, two members of my family whom I respect and love so much: an old member of my family and my sister’s husband involved as a peacemaker. We tried to resolve, by forgiving each other and forgetting about the conflict like it never happened because we were still in love.

After a few years of a great marriage, we discussed and decided to have a second baby. We thought it would be a good time to have a second baby so that we could forget everything that happened and start a great life again. As we planned, we got a second baby after a fight that had shaken our houses for months and got happy about our second baby.

I am so so grateful for the sweet and happy memories and about my priceless children!!!

Divorce

As some incidents continued to happen over and over again, things could not get easy as before. With each passing day, things got worse. We tried to communicate in a healthy way, but we could not understand each other and resolve our issues.

Our interests, priorities, values, and goals became different. But still, we had a strong feeling and attachment to each other. So we tried our best to understand each other and settle things.

In addition to the issues between us, few people started involving and affecting our house. Small issues became big. This created frustration and communication failure.

Thus, a big conflict occurred between us. We both started to get emotional. Things became out of control. I really hate fighting and ignoring each other. I had never been or faced a big fight in my life. I don’t like conflict; it really affects me. I know conflicts sometimes may happen in a family but not a serious one. Whenever conflicts happened in my family, we would forget what happened just in a matter of hours and start talking and laughing. I come from a very peaceful environment.

Nobody thought we were fighting because people used to see us as “SWEETHEARTS”, as a “PERFECT COUPLE”. Plus, we never showed what was going on in our house to anyone: family or friends.

Lately, I learned that I was wrong, and made my life complicated after divorce by letting no one know what was happening.

I had learned a lesson from one of my best friends since high school and my bridesmaid. She got married when we were teens in high school so she always said “it is not right telling marriage issues to a third party, it has to be solved by themselves.” This saying became my principle so my belief was we have to resolve our issues by ourselves.

So, I didn’t tell my family and friends. My sister and I are very close and were neighbors but even she did not know anything. Whenever someone came to our home, we would pretend as nothing happened. But, in truth, we were in big trouble in that roof and closed door.

Months passed this way. We both still did not know how to resolve our problems because we couldn’t communicate properly. We both loved going to church and had the same Godfather.

For the first time, I saw telling our issues to our Godfather as the solution as he used to come to our house more often. Then three of us discussed and our Godfather father advised us properly per the Bible. He told us to forget and forgive whatever happened between us. He gave us fasting and prayer time. We both accepted what our Godfather told us and came back to our house peacefully.

After some time, the problem returned. Also, my second baby pregnancy sickness becomes serious. Now, it more difficult because my sickness was very serious and I was so weak and sick. I got admitted to the hospital most of the time due to serious sickness. I got a severe migraine due to the pregnancy.

This time, I got sick and tired of what was happening. It became out of control. I got so frustrated and felt hopeless about the marriage. We tried to talk again and again to resolve our problems but no change. I got disappointed. We completely stopped talking to each other.

Day by day, we both started to give up on us. Our communication became unhealthy. I never knew these kinds of things before. It was also a very sensitive time for me. I didn’t expect something like this in our marriage.

Plus, I was heavily pregnant and troubled with sickness. So, I felt so offended and heartbroken. We tried many things but that did not change my feelings because our big problem was still there.

So, I couldn’t be okay. We continued to be like this throughout my pregnancy period. The problems worsened. I became worried about my baby as I got more disappointed and sicker.

Then, I got sure that the problem would not be solved. With my personality, I couldn’t live an unhappy life and with unresolved issues. I love a passionate life. So, it was just a matter of time. I could not compromise my happiness and peaceful life to anything. We sat down to talk again but it was not easy.

Since we couldn’t resolve our issues, I proposed divorce. It was not because it was a very simple or comfortable decision, but sometimes being far from things that cause you pain and hurt could be the only solution. Then, we agreed to at least stay together and think about it until I gave birth to my second baby.

I knew it was very painful for me. We did not even talk for a long time but I said okay because of two reasons. First, I wanted to give a chance if any miraculous change happened.

Second, our family and friends did not know anything about it. We were still “A PERFECT COUPLE” from outside. I knew how shocking it would be for everyone when they hear for the first time, even to hear about our fight.

But our fight had already grown and we were on the border of deciding to get divorced. So, if I did this with my pregnancy, it would be a big shock. Hence, we kept pretending in front of family and friends as if we were okay.

After I gave birth to my second baby, I couldn’t stay there because it had been almost a year without any communication. My anger, disappointment, and pain grew too much. So, I knew that once I decide to go out of that house, there was no coming back. I did what I could to the best of my belief, knowledge, and experience that I have at the time to save the marriage. I tried my best.

I just moved to my family house with my children. Then everyone got to know about it. They were shocked and couldn’t accept it. I do understand everyone’s intentions. It was such an unexpected event for all on both sides of us. Our both families started sitting and discussing to resolve our issues.

I had a very difficult pregnancy, full of stress and sickness for the whole 9 months. And now, I could not even get rest too. That made me even more offended. Our families’ concern was to make me go back to our home. Deep inside, I knew I was already done with everything, but our families pushed me a lot to go back. But, I had already made my decision a few months ago.

Also, they did not want to give me the time to stay and get relief so that I couldn’t get a chance to think about it at least for a few weeks or months what I want for my children and my future.

When the pressure became more serious, although I knew nothing would change, I got back home with a new plan on my mind. I did this just to get relief from family pressure. There was no change between us.

So, my new plan was, after finishing my maternity time, to have my own house and move on without any pressure from family. Then after a few more months, we discussed and I insisted on my decision. I did as I planned.

The saddest thing, my condition did not allow me to take my two children with me because I was a temporary basis employee whose contract would be renewed every 3 months. Also, I was not financially stable. I was doing everything with the grace of God.

So, I moved out with our newborn baby and the nanny. He moved to his family house with our daughter; she goes to school and she has to be driven to and from school. I started using public transportation, so I did not want her to face this challenge.

After a few months, my situation forced me even to let my son stay with his dad and sister. a word couldn't express how I felt, They stayed with me only Fridays to Sundays.

I really appreciate their dad’s effort and suffering for two years until our children got fully back to me as per our agreement, then after two years of sacrifices, I moved to my families house with my children. Praise to God and my family!

Because of my principle, no one knew about our big issues for a long time. When they found out after we were already done, family and friends expected me to accept their peacemaker offer.

But I was so young to handle such kind of painful time. I also had my own belief and opinion. I was already fade up and was sure that the marriage was hopeless. So, I said NO. But, most people misunderstood this and made things more complicated after divorce.

(I will come with another topic about how it became complicated and misunderstood)

I remember we handled the divorce process very peacefully and without any fight. He even came to my house in the morning and picked me to go to court.

After court, we went to Radisson Blu and had a great breakfast together and talked about a lot of different things and stayed long together. And then, he drove me back to the office…lol

Some People’s attitude that I observe towards my divorce…

What I learned is if people don’t know or participate in every fight and bad moments, they do not want to understand the situation. They never want to accept the decisions. Saying No could be disrespectful and people might take it personally because I did not do what they said.

Also keeping our problems, a secret was not right and our solution mechanism was not good enough. Only taking advice from our Godfather was good but we were not that much strong in religious rules. So we had to see and try other options and outlets that we could understand easily on our level of perspective and lifestyle.

So, I learned after divorce that may be getting advice from family or a married friend might help. Note that, just because someone is married doesn’t mean he/she is a good adviser. For me being a role model also includes the person’s moral standards and open-mindedness, having respect for other’s backgrounds, perspectives, and values.

Counseling or therapist might be also another help too.

If the problem does not involve cheating on one side or if it is not a physical attachment issue, all other problems do not take as a serious problem; people thought that they should be tolerated. But, Different marriages may fail for different reasons. A marriage might fail due to issues relating to priority, communication, values, life goal, etc…

In my opinion, no one can set my life standard or what makes me happy. If something is not okay for me, it is not for me at all. So, if there is an unresolved issue which is shaking the marriage, people’s advice or focus should be on how they can help that marriage to get a real solution rather than just saying “forgive” or “tolerate” or “this is men character” or “it will get better through time” kind of solution. This is so painful!!!

Sometimes, the individuals might be good persons separately but their unity may not work because of many reasons. So, when a marriage fails it is not necessarily because one of them is bad, or because one of them cheated or blah blah. I have never known someone who is a goodhearted, innocent, very positive person as my children’s father.

But, if we cannot work on our problem and solve it in a healthy way, and if we do not live passionately, peacefully and happily that marriage is very painful and unacceptable for me.

Some people said that it was because we two were too much attached. I don’t believe that way. Being attached is a blessing. The problem is the expectation and understanding of both individuals and how they handle things.

Also, some people advised that we should live together in separate rooms for our children even if our marriage fails. Oh my God!!! I don’t know what kind of thinking this is but I know the damage it may cause to children. but still, I prefer raising kids in a broken peaceful family rather than in an unhealthy environment.

I really respect everyone’s opinion and our culture regarding marriage. At the same time, I am not seeking an understanding, a favorable response, or approval of my decision for my life.

The process already has its own pain and frustration for both individuals. So, if possible, understanding is a lot more help!!! No need for any external parties’ negativity and drama based on their assumption, attitude, and ego!!!

Also, spreading rumors and untrue information without knowing someone’s path and beliefs is so judgmental and inappropriate.

Personal Beliefs…

Marriage is not a cold house in which love and passion die or not a place for boring routine life. It is a house of love, care, passion, unity, support, respect, giving priority, sharing decisions, and responsibilities. It is a place of creating a generation. It is a ‘we’ house, not an ‘I’ house. True love never phases out!

Divorce is not the best solution but it is the last solution. It is not a sign of being modern or a hero. It is a very painful and life-changing phenomenon. But at the same time, knowing what we don’t deserve, our value and standards is something “BIG”.

Conflict is sometimes normal. Misunderstandings and differences might happen but if there is no healthy and respectful way to resolve these, it is not acceptable for me to live with problems.

Extra miles efforts are needed to try to fix the marriage in a traditional or modern way because it is not an easy decision to end a marriage. Plus, marriage is it’s a safe zone for children. Both should try their best for their marriage and relationship to stay alive with love and respect.

Pushing the person just to be together or back home is not a good culture, Thinking as bad about staying separately for a few times. Family and friends should understand both sides’ emotions and pain. Also, taking time is one way to solve the problem; they will get time to be calm and analyze the issue and the solution without emotions.

Finally, one main thing we should not forget is, we should not be enemies after divorce just because we could not agree to live together. We can conclude our disagreement and separation process through understanding and peacefully.

This is a person you fell in love with and decided to get married. And especially if there are children, the two are parents and family forever. We can cut the marriage but we cannot cut the parenthood.

So, it requires maturity, we need a mindset to be above our emotions. We need to forgive ourselves and the other side. We need to kill our egos and focus on the important thing which is how to raise children without hate and negativity, after the divorce.

My children’s father and I are good friends now. We always try our best for our children by dropping our emotions and egos. We have time for family dining, family discussion, family vacation, and family activities also we always go parent meetings together to school.

I know from my experience it is not as simple as writing to have a good understanding between parents after divorce.

Especially, some individuals do not like our peaceful relationship because they are biased towards one of us.

He tried his best to have a peaceful friendship since he is a genuine person but there were people around him who brainwashed and poisoned him. There were people blinded with hate and judgment. They did not like our peaceful friendship. They said many bad and disrespectful things about me.

Even, those people were talking that “how they would revenge me the sooner or later, how I couldn’t live in this country because of what I did”. They made me a target of a herd mentality resulting from their poor and backward personality. This was an act of those who did not mind their own business or life.

They did not even consider the consequence of their evil acts on two people who have children together. Whatever happened, we are family forever. But these people were too foolish to understand this. If they cared about this person, they would care about the innocent children, too. If they had cared, they would have never tried to make things more difficult because of their negativity and ego.

Also, because of the peaceful relationship we have now some people even say “oh you two are not separated”. The truth is, we are doing this for our children. It is a must to have such kind of relationship.

But it is not because one of us gets a special benefit from this friendship, and we both do not have any special agenda other than our children.

So, do we have to be enemies to show that we are separated or that our marriage couldn’t work anymore? So funny… lol

I am so so grateful for our good friendship and parenthood…!

That’s how my young age marriage and divorce began and ended 9 years ago….!